I started meditating this year to keep the panic at bay.
Strangely, I have never been one to panic; in fact, I’m quite good at setting goals and completing tasks in quite an orderly fashion without feeling too frazzled. Like anyone, I’ve always had times when I’ve felt a little overwhelmed but I’ve had the coping mechanisms to deal with it. And then COVID happened. And then lockdown number three happened. And now I am meditating for 10-15 minutes a day to ground myself, get into the right mindset and feel grateful for where I am and the life that I have, rather than screaming at the walls ‘Why am I here? Why aren’t I in Australia where it’s safe? Where I can brunch with friends and hug people and go to the cinema and take a road trip?’
Yes, the panic is real. I guess it comes with the territory; I’m a dual citizen and I love the country of my birth as well as the country I have decided to make ‘home.’ It’s just a tough blow when you realise that you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly do feel grateful. Gratitude is a practice that I have been working on every day. But acknowledging how lucky you are and feeling completely at peace are two different things and they don’t always go together. After a very productive, inspired January and February I seemed to hit a wall this week (something I’m sure many can relate to!) It’s not that I entered a deep dark place like I did during my slubby time after Christmas, it’s just that I’ve grown weary. Weary of talking to people through an electronic device, weary of not feeling safe, weary of lockdown life where more or less every day feels the same and most of all, weary of myself.
I am literally bored with myself.
I know I should feel optimistic because last Monday the government announced their ‘Road map out of Lockdown’ and suddenly we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We now have dates in which we know that life can resume; markers paving the way out of this darkness and into the light. I am incredibly thankful for this as it gives us all something to look forward to and for the first time in a long while we can start making plans! But with these ‘freedom announcements’ (as I call it) comes another set of feelings. I have started to feel anxious about my life opening up again; especially when it comes to schools opening on 8th March. I am expected to return and teach my singing students face to face and quite frankly I’m scared. The closer I get to being vaccinated, the more anxious I am about contracting COVID. I have managed to dodge this virus for a whole year, what if I get it mere months before my first vaccination?
These anxious thoughts have not manifested overnight, they have been months in the making. When the country shut down last March and we went into our first three-month lockdown there was a collective energy; a need to achieve, to use the ‘down time’ to learn a new skill, or reach out to friends, to hold zoom pub quizzes and exercise more. This was our way of coping with the stress of the unknown; the stress of a pandemic we had never faced before. It was also our way of taking advantage of the extra time that we had and when I look at my friends and what they have achieved I am in awe. Some have re-trained, others have taken up running, or started new businesses or relocated abroad.
Now we’re nearly a year on and the energy has definitely shifted. There are no more zoom parties, no more ‘manic achievers.’ We have all grown weary. Weary of life, weary of this virus, weary of ourselves. A friend of mine made an interesting point recently; she said that now we have a road map out of lockdown we’re in a transitional phase and it’s often these phases in life that are the hardest. Yes, we can see the light at the end of the tunnel but we still have a long way to go and with that comes fear. Change is scary. At least when we were in strict lockdown there were limited expectations and limited choices we could make. Now the world is opening up again there is pressure; yes, there is freedom too, but with freedom comes choice, with choice, comes responsibility and with responsibility comes difficult decisions.
Today I decided to not be a slave to fear and anxiety and to also keep the faith that we are all moving forward even if at times it feels like we’re stuck on the spot. Change can happen when we least expect it and it need not be scary. In fact, it can be beautiful.
This reminds me of my Orchid. Four years ago I received it as a gift and I was determined to keep it alive (even though I don’t have a great track record with plants). Year after year it continued to grow but refused to flower again. I have heard that Orchids are temperamental creatures and so I didn’t take it personally, I just continued to water it and feed it every once in a while and make sure it was placed on a sunny windowsill. Last week when I was feeling at my lowest I suddenly looked up and saw precious little buds. They seemed to have appeared overnight! Before long, these buds had bloomed into stunning purple flowers.
My Orchid has taught me that ‘re-blooming is possible even in the most challenging of times; change is just a bud away. If we continue to nurture ourselves even when life is at its darkest, we will be able to one day step into the light and show off our stunning flowers.
Sometimes it’s the simplest things that can get us through. I will not give in to my fears and my anxiety. I will nourish myself, care for myself and protect myself but I will do that while living my life in full bloom, for the whole world to see.
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Totally agree with you Ashley . It has been hard since Christmas , I feel we have sunk further into the ground and I think it it going to take along time to pull ourselves out .
January 2020 I was so happy , on top of the world and pleased with myself flying to Australia and Singapore , something I never thought I would ever achieve as I’m not a flyer . I can now do anything , I thought . Little did I know what was round the corner.
I lost my best friend to cancer last April . 🥲
This past year , I’ve slowed down , I’m gradually loosing my confidence , very tearful and struggling with day to day activities.
Simple things in life , waking up to the sun ,
, meeting up with a friend and going for walks lifts my spirits , seeing nature and watching the flowers trees come into bud certainly makes me feel grateful for what we have On our door step .
I have been very fortunate working most days , I do have a purpose to get up in the morning and it’s a routine .
I always smile and happy with my customers time as I think I might be the only person they see talk to that day .
I look forward to the day that we can all go back to some normality , but I think it will take along time .
Thank you Ashley , I can relate to what you have said .
I’m so sad to hear you’ve been struggling but you’re certainly not the only one. I know that we will all come out of this because human beings are so resilient and the challenges we’ve faced will make us stronger in the end. Appreciating the little things is all we can do right now! I have been also been doing a lot of daydreaming! Don’t worry Jackie, you will get back to Australia, soon this pandemic will be a distant memory and you will be holidaying again! In the meantime, be kind to yourself. xx
Beautifully written from a beautiful person. One of my orchids.
Aw thanks!