I want to talk about guilt. The guilt that I feel when the house isn’t spotless, the guilt that I feel when I’m spending time with friends and haven’t left a healthy homecooked lunch for my husband (even though he’d happily make beans on toast!) Guilt if I sit down and take time to read a book or chat to a friend rather than replying to work emails or prepping for my singing lessons. Guilt if I ask Nick to get some groceries for me, or could he make dinner tonight because I’m working late? In essence, the guilt I feel when I put my needs first.
A few weeks ago I expressed these thoughts to one of my friends in Australia and she listened patiently before replying with similar feelings. She spoke of the same guilt; feeling constantly torn between managing work, family, husband and herself. Like me, she values exercise and she must spend time every day walking in nature, running, going to the gym or stretching. It’s meditative, essential for a healthy mind and body and a vital part of a balanced life. But there are days when she gets so busy with other commitments that she can’t indulge in this ‘me time’ and she feels resentful. And then she feels guilty for feeling resentful. This is a person who met the love of her life and gained two step-children who stay with her 50% of the time. She bakes treats for their lunchboxes, picks them up from school, helps them with homework and does her best to be there for their emotional and physical needs.
And yet despite this, she still feels guilty. Guilty that sometimes she wants to put her needs first; guilty that she isn’t being the best mother or wife that she could be. But there is also another guilt she is dealing with and it’s something that has been ingrained into females since birth. Something that we are trained to believe is the very essence of being a woman. Yep, she feels guilty that she may not want to have her own children one day.
The guilt we feel around motherhood is never-ending. Many who have children feel like they’re constantly failing as a parent yet if we say out loud that perhaps we don’t want children this makes us feel guilty too. Why? Because it is assumed that women will grow up and become mothers; that we will be selfless enough to grow a human being inside us and then provide for that human being sometimes at the expense of our own mental and physical health. Being a ‘good mother’ or a ‘good wife’ are high forms of praise in the world we live in. Yes, it’s true that many more women are now working full-time as well as having a family or have decided not to have children at all and instead focus on their career, but certain concepts have been ingrained in us and these stereotypes are not going to fade away overnight.
My sister is the perfect example of what I would call a successful working mother. She trained as a lawyer and now works in a competitive, well-paid job. She has two energetic boys, a loving husband and a lovely home in the inner western suburbs of Sydney. After her year-long maternity leave, she decided to go back to working three days a week so she could spend the other two days raising her babies. Her job knows that her children will always be her priority but she still feels the pressure to meet deadlines and this often means replying to emails well into the night. She feels guilty that in those moments she isn’t committing her full attention to her kids as technically she isn’t on the clock anymore. But if she doesn’t get the emails sent or the work done she will be letting down her team. She is experiencing what so many others do; the challenge of trying to do it all yet never quite achieving enough.
What adds to this is the feeling that perhaps her children are missing out on the privileged upbringing that myself and my siblings experienced. My mum was home full-time and so we always had her complete attention. She helped us with homework, served freshly baked treats after school and spent all afternoon driving us around to various activities (without which, I would not have enjoyed a career on the stage). I have so many happy memories of quality time spent with my mum, as she ferried me around to lessons and singing eisteddfods.
It was a blessed childhood and to this day I still have no idea how mum did it. I have spent my whole life watching her constantly tidying, cooking, driving, helping and being emotionally available for the entire family. However, despite this utter selflessness, my mother still feels guilt. She feels guilty that she didn’t encourage me to stick to my dance classes because ‘maybe you would have been able to audition for more musicals.’ She feels guilty that as a toddler I was often left to play on my own as she was caring for my younger sister (but perhaps this is what made me so independent!) In essence, she feels utterly responsible for our wellbeing and success and therefore blames herself for whatever hardships we face. Mothers guilt is never-ending.
My nephews who go to daycare three days a week are living a fantastically privileged life, it’s just different from the upbringing we experienced. They may not have as much one on one time with my sister but instead, they appreciate the time that they do have and they are developing other important skills like independence, interaction and learning with other children and coping with varied environments. They are also watching their mother be strong, independent and the chief provider, which will shape their views of the world and mould them into open-minded men who don’t adhere to traditional gender stereotypes. What better gift can you give your kids than that?
I loved my upbringing and despite being so reliant on my mum (when I left home at twenty-one I had never ironed my clothes and had barely cooked a meal), I still grew up to be strong, independent and capable. I attribute this to the exemplary parenting I received from both of my parents and the loving stable environment I grew up in. However, I seem to have inherited guilt and it has led me to question why this is the case. Why do I feel guilty if the house isn’t as tidy as it should be? Does my husband feel the same way? Why do I feel guilty about taking time out to do something that I enjoy? Why do I feel guilty if I haven’t planned meals efficiently? Do men suffer the same guilt?
Before attempting to answer these questions let me be clear by saying that my husband Nick never makes me feel guilty. In fact, he is the epitome of the ‘modern man;’ cleaning the house far better than I can, doing load after load of washing and since he’s grown his hair he now has an endless supply of bobby pins I can borrow! Yes, he is a true metro-sexual. However, during the recent COVID lockdown measures we did differ with how we spent our time. As soon as I realised that my paid work had been greatly reduced I started doing more domestic work around the house. It was the strangest feeling; a little voice told me to get cleaning! (Or was it my mother’s voice?) Because I no longer had the excuse of being too busy, I found myself hoovering, steaming, cleaning out kitchen cupboards, baking loads and even making sourdough from scratch (yes, I was one of those people). I was also planning and cooking all the meals (as I normally would). I also had time to read, blog and listen to podcasts but I made sure to do these things once the house-chores were done.
Nick, on the other hand, didn’t feel any pressure to clean more often. In fact, because I started doing more, he did a little less. Instead, he dedicated his time to building his creative skills by writing, recording and filming videos. Domestic chores were not a priority to him. So why did they suddenly become so important to me? Maybe because I wanted a tidy house as we were not able to go anywhere else (I think quite a few people felt the same!) But I also believe that watching my mother cooking, cleaning and generally ‘doing’ throughout my childhood has had a deep-rooted effect on my psyche. I know that I will never be as organised or tidy or selfless as my mother but I think part of me wants to live up to that, even though I know that we are two very different people with two very different lifestyles.
We are so incredibly influenced by what we see around us and what I saw was my father going to work and my mother keeping the house in order. And even though in my household the opposite is true as I work the regular hours and my husband has more free time, I still associate being a good wife and being a good person with qualities found in my mother such as cooking, cleaning and generally nurturing. Whilst Nick grew up in a very similar family environment to me, his perspective is entirely different since he naturally used his father as a role-model, not his mother. So Nick has been conditioned to work hard and earn a living but has never felt the added pressures of cooking, cleaning, tidying and nurturing. It doesn’t mean he can’t or won’t do these things, but he never feels guilty about not doing them frequently enough or well enough. In essence, his domestic conscience is clear.
So do gender stereotypes have a part to play? I’m sure they do. As I mentioned before, women are prized on being nurturing, selfless, caring and compassionate whereas men are often prized on being strong, independent, ambitious and driven. We, therefore, see the world through different glasses through no fault of our own, but because the glasses we have been given from birth differ depending on our gender. It’s much easier for ‘the order of things’ if we are placed into particular roles; put into certain boxes. This was certainly true for much of history when men worked and women took on the role of efficient housekeeper, selfless mother and doting wife. But the times they are a-changing! We no longer need to adhere to these gender stereotypes so why hold on to ingrained guilt? The rise of feminism has meant that men are often held accountable when it comes to domestic duties and women are more ambitious than ever. And yet, the rise of equality has still not put an end to women’s guilt.
Case in point: A good friend of mine who is an actor, has recently had her show contract postponed due to COVID. Whilst her husband (who earns a regular income) is incredibly supportive and doesn’t want her to seek alternative employment in the meantime, she feels that by relying on him for financial support she is being ‘anti-feminist.’ This, in turn, makes her feel incredibly guilty. So, ladies, it appears that we cannot win. Ever since Eve ate that apple and damned all of humanity to a world of sin, we are destined to always feel guilty about something. Well, we may not be able to change things overnight but I say it’s high time that we stood up to our guilt and started thinking like a man. In fact, from now on when I have a tricky choice to make, I will ask myself ‘What would a man do?’ Or better yet; ‘How would a man feel about this?’ And perhaps I will hold my head that little bit higher, feel a little more deserving and best of all, a little less guilty because guilt is simply a form of oppression. It serves no tangible, positive purpose, but instead, it keeps us questioning ourselves and our actions and apologising for who we are.
No more apologies girls. It’s time we threw out our guilt glasses and invested in a unisex pair. Perhaps then and only then, will we be able to see the world as it truly should be and take our rightful place in it. Perhaps we will decide to invest our time doing things we want to do rather than what we feel we should do. If we want to stop the guilt that has plagued women for centuries then we need to break the cycle and realise we have a choice. Let’s teach our children that they too have a choice and that everyone, regardless of gender should feel equally responsible for their life. Do what needs to be done, do what wants to be done and don’t feel guilty about a damned thing.
By writing my thoughts down over the last couple of weeks, I have discovered more about myself and every day I decide to shed a little guilt. It’s not easy unlearning thirty-six years of conditioning but I know it’s not impossible. This is because I have already unlearned thirty-six years of conditioning when it comes to the food I put in my body. If I can re-programme myself when it comes to food choices, why can’t I re-programme my guilty conscience? Yes, I may have subconsciously learnt guilt from my mother and other women around me but there was an even more important lesson that my mother taught me; a lesson that has become a mantra throughout my life, a source of comfort when difficult decisions need to be made. The lesson is: to always follow my gut.
What I have realised is that guilt doesn’t reside in the gut, it resides in the head. It is a manmade concept and it has been stopping me from feeling truly free. So, day after day I make it a mission to loosen the ropes bit by bit and trust in my gut because my gut always knows. Respond to that hunger; nurture it, feed it and don’t let guilt stand in the way.
Will you join me? Will you unleash the shackles that have held you down? And better yet, will you decide not to feel guilty about it?
I sure hope so.
A good read. I like these reflective deep thinking posts. Thanks for opening up and sharing that. Love ya sis.
So glad you enjoyed it! It’s nice to open up from time to time and have a little ponder…:)
My husband shared this with me and I can see why. However, I feel like the house stuff is my job now as I no longer earn an income so it’s hard to not feel guilt if things aren’t done. I do truly hate not earning my own money too, so I agree it will take work to let go of the resentment I feel about that. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Yes your story is such a common one! I feel that’s why my mum never stops (and so many other women I know). I guess it’s realising that while the domestic jobs are important, you should never feel guilty about also taking time for yourself. The problem is, we try to do it all. We think we’re responsible for fixing life’s problems and we feel guilty when we don’t achieve our impossibly long ‘to do’ list. Perhaps make the ‘to do’ list a little shorter and also put things on there like ‘sit with a cuppa and read.’ Then you’ll feel good doing it and ticking it off! (Even if it’s just for 10 minutes!) I understand kids don’t always give you much peace but it’s a start and I know hubby would be fully supportive. 🙂 Thanks for your thoughts and taking the time to read.
Great post. It certainly explains a lot of what I have been observing for the past 38 years.
Glad you enjoyed it and yes, unfortunately, it’s an all too common story!
Reading this I realise that guilt has been responsible for my manic lifestyle before lockdown. Not gender stereotypical guilt as that has never been part of my psyche. My father was the musician in our family, and I was always going to follow in his footsteps. Indeed, I have often been told that I am too much like a man in my attitudes and behaviour!
My father always took every work opportunity that came up (with 5 children to support there may have been no choice), whilst my mum had a series of jobs that fit around family life. We were always encouraged to make the most of work opportunities.
It was a full 4 weeks into lockdown when I began to not feel exhausted. I suppose working long hours 7 days a week has that effect. Reading your blog I realise that guilt about turning down any sort of work, which was engrained in me as a child, was a fundamental part of my work ethic.
The last 6 months have occasioned a radical rethink. I now make time for me and for my partner – although we live under the same roof we often didn’t see each other for several days.
Make ‘me’ time and don’t feel guilty about it. You are perfect as you are xx
Yes, I can completely relate to this kind of guilt! I think being self-employed doesn’t help either as we have a constant fear that if we turn down work nothing else will come up! I too, was trained to take as much work as possible as my dad has always had an incredibly strong work ethic and I still hear his voice in my head whenever I turn down work! It still makes me feel guilty but I also learnt during lockdown that it’s so important to have time for myself even if that means not earning as much. Taking time for yourself and your relationship doesn’t mean that you’re lazy, just that you value a well-balanced life. I’m so glad you could relate to my post and also that you are shedding some of that ‘working guilt’ post-lockdown. Life is too short!